The Whole Love Thing

OK, it has come to my attn that some of u may be loosing sleep over my love story – but as I said, I have thot abt it and here are my thots.

OK, “in love" vs. “loving”
In love …can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking abt him, the good things are the things that involve him, and everything else is a drag …. Now it’s perfectly legit …and while in the past, I considered it just pure stoopidity, I have come to acknowledge that … y’know, sometimes – it just is. And while I can fight it, it doesn’t change it. It doesn’t change the fact that u feel ur world light up when u see him et al. It just is –it’s what u feel and there's nothing u can do abt it!

And then loving … this is where u are a thinking man/woman. While yes, there’s feelings et al, ur brain is living and active – perfectly functional and u can’t throw it out. It’s the part where u need to reason, where u stop and think; u figure out who u are and what is impt to u and then u look at Olufineboy and u examine the situation: Who I am and what I want, what I have to offer Vs. who he is, what he wants and what he has to offer. Yeah we do make compromises cos that’s what life is abt …
In Big T's words ….
Love is calculative, mathematics its best friend
We don’t just jump into it, but instead we examine the trends
We learn from experience, the scars of our past
We start to love less and think more, just so it lasts

Something must have happened to me cos I used to think more w/ the LOVING part b4 … and then I found meself IN LOVE and threw everything out the window …but that brain part is so impt …it’s the part where u respect/admire this person’s life goals, views on life, where he stands on the impt issues and WHY he stands there … The place where u’re so looking beyond the way he smiles, and the way he looks into ur eyes, and the way he holds u … Where u look INSIDE him and what u see makes u go MAN!!!!!!!
Of course I have found that when u’re IN LOVE, too many things just LOOK good -all that love is blind crap …omo, it’s not blind. It can’t afford to be ….if it’s blind, it’s gonna crash. Just stop, and engage in some objective evaluation of ur love …
SO yeah, by now u’ve figured that I was "in love" …but I’m done …after careful, objective observation …and once again – that’s just the way it is … I’m out.

The Lion King

OK, I saw the Broadway show like last yr ...it was BEAUTIFUL, u guys need to see it, seriously. And then they came to Cashville, so everyone around here was going to see it so I pulled up my long ago ruminations and thot to share.

Simba ...joyful, happy kid, knew he was going to be king
was being raised to be king
He knew it and so did everyone else
joyful, happy Simba

But then ...life happened
all those things that u wish would never have happened
those things that make or break you
those things ...

And dear Simba ran
It was the sensible thing to do at the time (like Moses ran)
And he hung out with Timon and Pumba
Lived a life with no worries, no stress

But Simba grew beyond his childhood
He grew into a man ...a restless man
because he KNEW that he was made for so much more
He was a LION, but he was hanging out with Timon and Pumba
...eating bugs

He was living WAY beneath his potential
He wasn't just a lion, he was king of the pride
But he had run away ...from the demons of his childhood

Ah! But the time came for Simba to return
To take his place as king of the pride
To reign as an adult
To rescue the land from the hyenas
(My deliverer is coming)

We were made to do much more than eat slimy bugs
We were made for so much more
We were saved for so much more

And God in His mercy sends ppl like Rafiki our way
when we're torn between the incredible and the logical
and He empowers us to do the impossible
cos He's the God with whom nothing is impossible
Someone or something that causes us to look and truly see ...

There was also trust just before Mufasa died, he said to Simba "jump", and he was waiting to catch Simba ...without hesitation, second/third thots, extreme prayer and fasting ...Simba trusted and jumped, and so he didn't die ...

and there was cool love, that trusted and loved before it understood ...there was a call for leaving the logical reasoning (excuses) that holds one back, that we stare at and call obstacles, there was a call to do the thing that u were born to do, that u've almost given up on ...b/c it just don't make sense ...there was the call to look in the face of all the ppls ....turn ur back on them, stand with truth ....and do ur thing ...b/c u were born, raised, trained ....made for it.

There'll always be ppl like Scar ...who simply want you out of the way but they say they care about u, and ppl like Timon and Pumba ...who u can hang out with forever, as u turn ur back on urself and everything that matters to u ...there'll be people like Nala, who know the u on the inside, and ask u not to deny urself the joy and pain of living like u were made to, and good old Rafiki, who knock the sense right back into ur head. It's ur choice ...there will always be voices for u to listen to, the crowd has a million different voices .....u choose. Who r u listening to?

Yes, we say we are listening to God ...and hopefully we are, but who are the ppl influencing our lives? What r their motives, what do they want ....for u ...AND for themselves ...b/c it does make a difference. Phew!

Embracing your shame

OK, this needs to be quick cos I need to be studying.
Little background - My first child, we'll call her Babe, (she grew up with her other mother) and Babe says when she ran around without her clothes as a kid, her mama would tell her to "cover her shame" (I think that's how the story goes, or at least that's my version) ...that's the background.

Now I find this rather interesting, the idea of "covering ur shame" being equivalent to "covering ur nakedness" ...and of course as we've grown up, we've all learned to cover our shame ...to not expose ourselves ...yes ppl I know u all go out fully clothed (well, most of u) ...but beyond covering our bodies, we've learned to hide our inadequacies ...and present ourselves to the world as pretty close to perfect.

Now Babe learned something while growing up that I didn't learn ...I do wear clothes everyday, but Babe learned that while she had to cover her body which she does most days, she doesn't HAVE to hide her inadequacies. But lemme speak in plain English ...
For instance, I pride meself on many things ...I'm FINE, I don't need anything from anybody, God provides my needs and I'm sufficient, I'll be ok regardless of what happens or doesn't happen ...I am a strong, black woman :) ...and I can do all things thru Christ.

However, while I AM strong and 'independent' ... sometimes I'm not SO independent ... sometimes I need help and I make highly questionable decisions, sometimes I'm lonely ... and sometimes I'm just plain unreasonable. And I (in the past) have refused to admit to myself that I don't have it together. That beyond simply WANTING some ppl in my life, I also NEED them ...that I'm in love with some guy and that's just the way it is (I roll my eyes at the whole 'in love' idea, but I've thot this out).

For my friend, we'll call her Stewart ...it apparenty kills her when she's not in control and she doesn't have everything down ...sometimes she has to say ... I don't know, I just don't know altho I shd (I'm still tryna understand Stewart).

Anyhu (not sure how much sense this is making), Stewart and I have been admitting to ourselves that we're more like Babe than we acknowledge; that we have sides that we'd rather not tell anybody abt :) We're not that strong, that smart, that 'good' ...HOWEVER we're learning that them sides that we don't like are totally OK ...
it's ok that sometimes I'm in a bad mood for no reason whatsoever
it's ok that I'm tripping abt some guy and only God knows what he thinks
it's ok that I have a test and I sit and watch a Nign movie (is that really ok?)
it's ok that I'm human - not perfect, not an island
it's ok that I need other ppl (yeah,yeah ...stop talking abt me, u got ur own issues)
it's ok that I'm not (how much of my nakedness am I willing to share wit y'all? hehe ...I'm still in the process)
It's ok to embrace my shame ...my less-than-perfectness
b/c it's a part of who I am
and I like me ....all of me, not just some of me
Now go embrace ur shame