Ring.....Ring...Ring
Mr Okoro : Hello?
Telemarketer: Hi, this is Raheema calling from Hollywood Hereafter
Resources. I just wanted to let you know that your phone number was
randomly selected in a drawing and we have reserved a free burial
space for you at the New Island Cemetry in Bridge-
Mr Okoro: What?!!!
Telemarketer : If you would just give me your name and address. I want
to send you a letter to confirm the free burial space we have reserved
for you---
Mr Okoro: You reserved what for me.....A grave?
Telemarketer: A free burial space
Mr Okoro: What's the difference?
Telemarketer: Well the word "grave" can be scary sir, you can
disregard the letter if you don't want it. This is just a courtsey
call to---
Mr Okoro: So as a telemarketer, you can pick up the phone and cold
call people and pitch them with such offers?
Telemarketer:Well, yes sir. We always make sure it is something of
potential interest to them --
Mr Okoro: Of course, who wouldn't be interested in dying? I am
definately interested in a grave. I am. That is a very important
decision to make before die right?
Telemarketer: I agree with you sir. You are so open-minded about this. A
lot of people don't understand why it is so important to hand-pick
your final resting place before you pass on. It ensures you get the
kind of burial you want for yourself.
Mr Okoro: I see say na u dem send come
Telemarketer: I'm sorry? Send....come?
Mr Okoro: Oh, they don't use the witchdoctor in the village anymore
right? They have gone nuclear and now are using Americans. Na you dem
send come!
Telemarketer: I'm sorry sir, but i don't know what you are talking
about.
Mr Okoro: I get fillage too o! i be proper bush boy and my mama still
dey kampe for waterside. Na one phone call e go take and she go run go
fillage go get me gold circle condom protection, u hear. Una no dey
hear say e better for somebody? Why na so-so make una dey spoil person
own una dey like?
Telemarketer: I don't understand what you are saying--
Mr Okoro: You go understand by force. Na airmail i go take send winch
to you. You hear. Una tink say una know winch just because una dey do
halloween? You tink winch na dat abracadabra una dey do for America?
You tink na to chant poetry and cook soup with lizard yansh and frog
tongue be winch? I go show u where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge
juju. Black winch, red winch, multi-colored winch....for my fillage,
na your eyes i go take flavor the juju sef. You go know beta winch
when my own army land.
Telemarketer: I do apologize to you if my phone call has offended you
in any way-
Mr Okoro: You have not offended me. I am not offended. Do i sound
offended? Why would i be offended because you- kindhearted
telemarketer that you are- reserved a grave for me? Do you know how
old i am? 32 . In my country, people don't die at 32. When they die so
young, it is a major tragedy! My mother and father are still alive.
You want me to die before them?
Telemarketer: I didn't mean anything-
Mr Okoro: You people never mean anything when you make these stupid
phone calls. How dare u wish me death--
Telemarketer: No, that's not what --
Mr Okoro: I DON'T CARE!!! Do you know how many years i worked on
getting a visa to come to America? 10 Years....Ejioku.....10!. Do u
know how many laws i broke in so many countires before i found my way
here? I have been here only 2 yrs. All the pepole who gave me loans to
buy ticket and visa have not been paid. My mother and father are still
waiting for me to perform the magic of Dollars for them in Nigeria.
This telephone was just connected 2 months ago because i am just now
able to afford a telephone because i cannot make good money due to my
illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before i can even
begin to enjoy a little,.....ah, your own don spoil o, i swear , e no
go betta for you.
Telemarketer: E no....what?
Mr Okoro: Na hand ya mama and papa go take bury you. And na them eyes dem go take cry for that yeye grave wey u don reserve for yaself.
Telemarketer: Are u cussing me sir?
Mr Okoro: cuss you ke? why should i? why would i want to cuss someone
who is offering me a grave? I am only reacting in my own local English.
That is how we behave when we are overwhelmed with joy in my country.
Telemarketer: I just had a distinct feeling that you were not saying
nice things about me.
Mr Okoro: See dis wowo wey craw-craw don chop him yansh
finish....Look, just aside, are all the members of your family
reserved space in your graveyard?
Telemarketer: Some of them do have--
Mr Okoro: No, don't stop there. You should get everybody a plot. I go
help you use juju finish all of them make una dey go do whassup dog
for Hollywood, abi na wey u dey call from
Telemarketer: I have to hang up now sir
Mr Okoro: Before you hang up, would you by any chance know anything
about a scam where telemarketers call people on the phone to assure
them a free burial space, and then try to get them expensive
mausoleums and crypts? What is it call? Bait and switch, right?
Telemarketer: I don't know what you're talking about.
Mr Okoro: You get pikin?
Telemarketer: get picking? picking what?
Mr Okoro: You get pikin? u don born bomboy? make you dash your pikin the grave now?
Telemarketer: Dash picking.....you're dissing me?
Mr Okoro: Diss? Dis one pass dis, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S
Telemarketer: I have to hang up now sir
Mr Okoro: No, please wait. Let me reserve the whole cemetry for your
unborn children now. I will also reserve a full page in the Daily Times Obituary section--
Telemarketer: Thats mean! you can't talk to me like that just because
I am a telemarketer. We are people too
Mr Okoro: Yes, bad people....people who call to trick me at all kinds
of hours into buying something I don't want.
Telemarketer: I'm going to report you to the INS! You will be deported!
Mr Okoro: My juju go don finish you before you reach the place. Winch
pass winch! you no go die betta, i tell you. I go make sure u crase
first, make you waka enter k-mart abi wetin una dey call market for
dis side- before dem finish you!...... She reserve grave......why you no
take knife kill me yaself? E no go betta for ---hello? you hang up?
why u no wait make i finish ? why not wait? Oloshi! Na dead dog wey
get rabies go chop the mouth you take talk to me.
Oloshi... call me again tomorrow now...
